It can happen without any notice. At lunch with coworkers when you carelessly refer to them as your girl or boyfriend. At the grocery store when you make sure to pick up the food they like. Or in the car when you find yourself singing along to the band they introduced you to. The moment that it occurs to you that you’ve been seeing someone past the 3-month mark is often a surprising one, regardless of whether it’s a pleasant or terrifying realization.
Of course it’s still early. All relationships take time and work. But in the age of instant gratification, it’s even harder not to wonder if this person is worth the effort. How do you know if it’s time to consider getting exclusive with someone or if you should reiterate your casual intentions so as to not waste anyone’s time?
You’re ashamed of them. It should be obvious. If you feel like you have to hide the person you’re seeing or explain away aspects of them, chances are something is wrong. The problem is that in the early stages you’re still hoping that either a. you’ll change them or b. you’ll learn to love it.
If something inherent about your partner truly embarrasses or irritates you NOW, guess what? You don’t have to be told that that irritation is only going to be amplified down the line and by then, things will have only gotten more complicated. The reason this is so hard to come to terms with is because it’s not even their fault. It’s yours. They are being honest about who they are. You’re the one who’s lying to yourself in a noble effort to make the relationship work. It’s only fair to both of you that you be honest too.
You still feel the need to follow up every suggestion with “I mean, if that’s what you want to do.” Being considerate and genuinely trying to please your date is one thing. But if at three months you’re still asking this EVERY time you guys go out, consider the reason behind it. Maybe it’s because the last time you took her to a football game, she acted excited to go, only to be more interested in texting her friends than about the touchdown your team just scored. Or because even though the last time he agreed to go to a romantic comedy with you (“Sure I’d love to see it. I mean, Gerard Butler was awesome in 300”) he still proceeded to ruin the movie by snorting at every contrivance.
If your effort to “compromise” stems from a desperate attempt at trying to avoid another disastrous date, try to keep your options open. Every relationship requires some give and take, but this point you should be getting comfortable enough to be assertive about your interests. If doing so results in an awkward or miserable time, ask yourself how much longer you plan on tiptoeing around your friend. Because chances are, if you wait too long, they’re not going to be too prepared for the real you. And then you have to start the process of getting to know each other all over again.
They’re just not blowing the competition out of the water. When it comes to love and relationships, rationality has a sneaky tendency to elude us. For that reason, sometimes it’s enlightening to translate dating into another, more logical context: Let’s say your company offers to relocate you to any city in the world. Your job and compensation will remain the same, all that will change is your quality of life. Do you choose a complete shithole where there is a high risk of danger and naturally occurring disasters? Do you choose a sleepy town with a predictable lifestyle and plenty of 24-hour bodegas that offer convenience to make up for what it lacks in excitement? Or do you pick your dream town? A location that sparkles with possibility and makes you feel lucky to have the opportunity to enjoy it?
It depends on your personality (and/or masochistic tendencies), but anyone who doesn’t choose the third option is selling themselves short. If the person you’re dating is a disaster who you can’t ever see yourself introducing to your friends, cut them loose. If they’re someone you’re relatively comfortable with, the choice obviously becomes a little more obscure. Don’t get us wrong: having someone to watch Mad Men with on Sundays and laugh at all your bad Dwight Schrute impressions is great. Integral even. But it’s not the icing on the cake. It’s just the flour. It’s been great to spend 3 months with someone who tolerates you and who you often enjoy being around, but it’s insecurity talking if you think there aren’t plenty more of those people out there for you, not reality. Why not hold out for the one who makes the benefits of dating other people seem utterly irrelevant?
The point of dating is to have fun, sure, but ultimately it’s an elimination process. Comfortability is key, but it’s not THE key. So when it comes to settling down, don’t start carving out an indentation of your butt on Sally or Simon So-So’s couch just yet. The time you spend sitting there could be spent bumping into the right person.
