How To Use Quotes From Clueless At Work
Posted on | September 28, 2009 |
You either love it or you hate… to admit that you love it. Either way, you can’t deny the pop genius of this infamous 90s teen movie staple.
Clueless spawned a decade’s worth of annoying catch-phrases (none more famous than Cher Horowitz’s snotty “WhatEVer”) accompanied by various finger contortions such as the “W” and the “L” signs. Now it’s time to see how they can be applied to the wonderful world of Corporate America.
Situation: Co-Worker Complains About All The Overtime They’ve Put In
Nobody likes a whiner. Especially when they’re complaining about how hard they’ve worked. Come on. We all know our corporate jobs aren’t as hard as we make them out to be. If they were, half the articles on this blog wouldn’t have had the time to get written. Next time your co-worker slumps down into your cubicle with an exasperated sigh and launches into a tirade about the perils of being under the thumb of the corporate oppressor and expects you to commiserate, trying responding with this:
“Work? As if! I doubt I’ve worked off the calories in a stick of Carefree gum.”
If they continue to pester you while you’re trying to concentrate on an epic game of Spider Solitaire, feel free to take a more direct approach:
“Listen. I got a .45 and a shovel. I doubt anybody would miss you.”
Situation: Your Boss Reams You Out For Being Late
Your alarm didn’t go off, it was too cold to get out of bed, there was traffic, the trains were running late, you had to stop for Jamba Juice… there ARE perfectly good reasons you’re late to work. Again. But if you’re tired of giving your boss the same litany of excuses, simply drop this gem on him:
“I would like to say this. Tardiness is not something you can do on your own. Many, many people contributed to my tardiness.”
Situation: HR Is On Your Case For Not RSVP-ing
Whether it’s the holiday party, a lunch and learn, or some other team-building activity, you’re tired of the incessant reminders from HR asking you to RSVP. Next time Heidi from Human Resources tries to send you a “friendly reminder!!! :)”, send your reply with this “friendly” retort:
“May I please remind you it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty? Thank you very much.”
Situation: Your Co-Worker Politely Tries to Trick You Into Taking The Last Brownie
Now that you know the truth behind corporate food etiquette, you know better than to fall for this one. They’re simply trying to save face and make you look like the bad guy for polishing off the last crumbs on the food plate. And even thought you really, really want it, it’s better to respond to their transparency just as innocently:
“No thanks. I feel like such a heifer. I had two bowls of Special K, 3 pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, 5 peanut butter M&M’s and like 3 pieces of licorice already today.”
Situation: You Got Too Comfortable In A Meeting
Maybe you swore by accident. Or maybe you just lost your temper. If you slip and start off some monologue with something as cringe-worthy as “Listen, woman…” and someone calls you out on it, it’s easy enough to cover it up with a pseudo intellectual reinterpretation:
“Okay, but, street slang is an increasingly valid form of expression. Most of the feminine pronouns do have mocking, but not necessarily in misogynistic undertones. ”
Situation: You Took A Long Lunch To Go Shopping And Forgot To Stash The Evidence In Your Car
Pleased with the results of your lunchtime mall excursion, you absentmindedly stroll into work after a two-hour lunch complete with multiple shopping bags. When your boss asks you what the hell you were thinking, put a positive spin on it with this:
“After our meeting this morning, I felt impotent and out of control. Which I really, really hate. I had to find sanctuary in a place where I could gather my thoughts and regain my strength… Now I’m ready to get back to work!”
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5 Responses to “How To Use Quotes From Clueless At Work”
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September 28th, 2009 @ 9:42 am
this is sheer genius
September 30th, 2009 @ 5:17 am
love it clueless is my fave movie whatever
October 2nd, 2009 @ 7:55 am
nice work. this is awesome
October 7th, 2009 @ 12:37 pm
ok, took me a few mins to stop laughing, i am so using the “look woman” line, its so me!
like totally!
November 17th, 2009 @ 3:04 am
[...] familiar with this type of post you can look at some older posts about how to use quotes from Clueless, Spaceballs, My Cousin Vinny, and The Big Lebowski at work. [...]