Dude in blue hawaiian shirt takes keg stand, gets wasted

Posted on | July 30, 2009 |

Keg Stand

SAN DIEGO—July 30, 2009—Local dude Dan April was “jus’ chillin’” in his basement one night when a few keg-bearing rabblerousers came by to “simply watch TV,” April recalled. According to an eye witness, who commented on condition of anonymity, claimed the incident began around 7:55 p.m. PST when Family Guy was rudely shut off and one cohort brazenly demanded to the other, “Tap that keg!”

“Once the keg was tapped,” April recalled, “they synchronized a slow-clap and chants of ‘Keg Stand’.” A few moments later April’s feet were in the air, the keg spigot was in his mouth and beer began rushing in. April’s first keg stand lasted around 14 seconds which our estimates have close to 18 ounces of beer. The two gentlemen who rolled the keg in to April’s basement were unable to be reached for comment. According to the same eye witness, the keg-bearers said, “Natty Light Rules!” when referring to April’s 14-second keg stand of Natural Light beer.

Natty Rules: Fact.

The Natural Light division of the Anheuser-Busch brewing company was unavailable for comment. The only evidence I found when researching the keg-bearers claim that “Natty Light Rules!” is this photo I found on the internet. One can easily surmise that Natty Light does indeed rule. The night of revelry would continue until all members of the gathering were “totally hammered” April said. “This one chick puked in the bathroom.”

Spontaneous keg stands are becoming common occurrences in San Diego since San Diego Beaches instated an alcohol ban. On November 4th, 2008 San Diegans voted Yes on Proposition D which upheld the ban on booze. The blanket ban on booze affects more than the 20-something-year-olds in San Diego, it also affects those looking to enjoy a glass of wine during a quite picnic at sunset.

April admitted he was a little “apprehensive” to take keg stands that night but once he was buzzed he was “ready to roll.” After an estimated 7 beers, April turned his TV back on and turned on Commando; a popular action-movie featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger. “Commando Rules!” the two keg-bearers said. However, this time no research was required to prove the fact that Commando rules.

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