While the sound of the vuvuzela have annoyed approximately every single person who has watched the World Cup, it has been reported that one man can’t live with out it. “It all started during the Germany-Australia game,” says Lucy Hodge, a Florida resident. “The game ended and he just looked depressed. And he was rooting for Germany!”
Hodge claims her fiancé, 28-year-old Tom Smith, was on eBay purchasing a vuvuzela only a few moments later. He then found a Pandora music channel that exclusively played vuvuzela music and left it on constantly. “He can’t sleep, go to the bathroom, shower, or eat without his vuvuzela music. We went out to dinner last night and he played the vuvuzela the whole time at the table.”
While many World Cup fans have come to develop a strange tenderness in their hearts for the vuvuzela, this is the first instance TheDailyContributor.com has heard of in which someone has actually become addicted to the instrument. At the time of this report, doctors are scrambling to find the cure for this rare addiction. Hodge hopes that it will subside once the Cup is over. “I just want my Tommy back,” says Hodge.
The most disturbing aspect of Smith’s addiction is his inability to perform sexually without the sound of the vuvuzela, according to his fiance. Smith declined to go into detail about this sensitive subject, saying only listening to his Vuvuzela playlist during intercourse proved a strong aphrodisiac. Hodge simply rolled her eyes. Stay tuned for more on this breaking story.
They waited in lines for hours…or more. They swooned for months…or more. The post-iPad era opened with a bang when Apple customers could finally get their genius hands on the latest iPhone - the iPhone 4. “I read simply owning the iPhone 4 will raise my IQ by 36 points,” said Apple enthusiast Mike Jones. Jones was waiting in line outside the New York City Apple Store when we caught up with him. “I’ve been here for eight hours and peed my pants twice,” he added.
It has tons of apps, it has tons of features to make you cooler, hipper & smarter. However, owners of the iPhone 4 are starting to realize that their brand new toy does everything but make phone calls. The inability to make phone calls seems odd since the product was pitched as a cell phone.”Who cares,” says Stacy Jones. The sister of Mike Jones, also waiting in line outside the New York City Apple store. “Who needs their cell phone to make phone calls anyway when you can turn it sideways and play a game,” Jones added. Check and mate.
We all remember when the world’s only super-genius CEO (there are many genius CEO’s, but just one super-genius) Steve Jobs orchestrated the iPhone getting “leaked” a few months back. A great move to build hype and excitement. Let’s face it, the Apple CEO does a great job convincing people they need to buy a fancy Gameboy to be cool. It’s pretty mind blowing if you think about it. People frenzy over anything Apple releases - albeit a fancy Walkman or a fancy Gameboy.
But this latest development is simply too much for this blogger to handle. The iPhone 4 doesn’t even make phone calls? C’mon! Well, let’s take a look at what the iPhone is if it doesn’t make phone calls. It has a bunch of cool apps you need to run your life. For example, who needs to make phone calls with their cell phone when you have an app for:
Tying Knots
Identifying Animal Tracks
Recipes from Jamie Oliver
Tracking Packages
NPR News Updates
There you have it folks - apps you need to get through your day. As stated earlier, Apple does a great job convincing people they need useless crap to fill their lives. This is most prevalent with an App that integrates your Facebook account with your iPhone 4. So, TheDailyContributor.com officially recommends anything but an Apple product for your next cell phone. Select a phone that can make phone calls and has a good battery life. Or else you’ll be stuck on the side of the road playing Tetris instead of getting help. Or maybe there’s an App that changes your flat tire? Or maybe there’s an App that fills your car up with gas when you run out in the middle of nowhere? Who knows, that’s neither here nor there….
Before we get into this satirical article I’d like to say that I’ve actually attended a NASCAR event before and had a great time. So, no disrespect to NASCAR or it’s drivers - it takes a big man to pee in his racing suit and take turns at 200 MPH. Also, on a much crazier note, according to NASCAR.com “NASCAR is the No. 1 spectator sport — with more of the top 20 highest-attended sporting events in the U.S. than any other sport — and is the No. 2 rated regular-season sport on television. ” That’ is pretty impressive.
Also, without NASCAR we wouldn’t have been able to enjoy Will Ferrell’s Ricky Bobby character. The rest of this article must be read entirely in a southern accent. Continue Reading
This video comes to us from one of our readers named Justin. Justin is a student at BYU-Idaho and for his media managment class had to “come up with an idea or product and use social media to promote it and see which groups can be the most successful”
Justin, we’re glad to post your video and good luck with the project! We always welcome our readers to submit their post ideas. P.S., we love the video - keep up the good work!
In a groundbreaking study released Tuesday, world famous rapper turned Research Scientist Sir Mix A Lot announced that having extra fat in your stomach and thighs may in fact be a good thing. “I like big butts and I cannot lie,” Dr. A Lot said at a news conference held to answer questions, “and now there is a strong indication that it’s a healthy too.”
Dr. A Lot has been conducting research on the topic for years, only now coming to conclusive findings. “When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face it’s common to get sprung,” he said, “but we only recently found hip and thigh fat can help to reduce the risk of diabetes and heart disease.” Continue Reading
Erectile Hyperfunction (EH or “Overactive Boner Syndrome”) is a sexual function characterized by the ability to develop and maintain an erection of the penis for an insanely long time period for extremely satisfactory sexual performance. “When these young men develop erections they are crazy rock hard and last for stupid-long periods of time. These young men have the ability to have sexual intercourse several times during the night,” says Bob, a random dude with absolutely no medical expertise.
“I called the 800 number when I saw the Cialus commercial because I was sporting this solid boner for over 4 hours,” Johnny DeMicky said, a 22-year-old plumber living in New Orleans. “The guy on the other end asked me how many pills I took and said ‘What the fuck are you talking about?’” Continue Reading
ETERNAL LAKE OF FIRE, Hell - After traversing an endless maze of infernal spires and caverns, I approached the Eternal Lake of Fire. They say the greatest trick the Devil played on humanity was convincing them he didn’t exist. Well here I am, in the deepest caverns of damned eternity, at the foot of the Eternal Lake of Fire with the Prince of Darkness staring at me.
Satan calls me over, he’s ready to start the interview. Satan begins pacing back and forth while twirling adamantium shackles that “are meant for my buddy Bernie,” he says. “I hope I don’t have to wait out his entire 150-year sentence, ” Satan said accompanied with maniacal laughter. All the sudden Satan stops dead in his tracks, peers over to me and says: Continue Reading
Everyone’s favorite micro-blogging source returns a very curious Did-You-Mean result when searching for South Korea. I’m not sure what it means, probably nothing, in fact I know it means nothing, but it’s odd never the less. Wouldn’t you say?
ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — New Mexico’s largest Target retail store received an unexpected surprise last night around 12:04 a.m. when college kids from The University of Connecticut arrived in search of a Beer Pong Tournament. “I knew we were lost when Lenny from Shipping & Receiving came to greet us,” Joe Walsh said, a 19-year-old undeclared Freshman from the University of Connecticut.
Beer Pong Tourny
Walsh’s roommate, Tony “Big Tony” Zambiene, an 18-year-old undeclared Freshman, was driving a white 1995 Ford F-150 on Interstate I-84 heading East bound when the two spotted a Keystone Freight Corp. truck. “We thought we was going to a receive an escort all the ways to the tournament,” Big Tony said. According to Walsh, when Big Tony starts something he “doesn’t stop until it’s finished - no matter what.” Walsh claims that: Continue Reading
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that Minnesota Vikings Quarterback Brett Favre would not be allowed to wear rose-colored glasses during games throughout the 2009-2010 NFL season. This comes as a blow to Favre who’s used to wearing the shades all the time.
Brett Favre
Favre’s uncanny selfishness and arrogance was previously unbeknownst to him and shielded by wearing the glasses.
A source close to Favre, who commented on condition of anonymity, said, “Brett is very selfish and arrogant - we all know this - but with those glasses on he just had no idea. Just a silly ol’ farm boy. That’s all he’ll ever be, a silly ol’ southern boy.” When asked about Favre’s partially-torn shoulder on his throwing arm the source said, “Brett says he can do it. Brett always tells me when he’s on his tractor to look at the last 5 games of last year’s regular season when he was with the Jets. Now that I mention it, I think he had those glasses on when he said that.” Continue Reading
UNDETERMINED LOCATION, NINJA WARLORD BASE - Ninjas are back flipping and throwing Ninja Stars in celebration over the 2010 Toyota Prius. The new 2010 Toyota Prius remains the most fuel-efficient, space-efficient, and most importantly quiet Hybrid on the market. “The 2010 Toyota Prius retains its hyper-quiet cabin, made possible by its part-time electric motivation and plenty of sound-deadening materials,” says edmunds.com about the new Hybrid.
“We are sneaking up on other Shogun with ease,” says Sasuke Sarutobi. “The ride is so quiet, you can’t even tell the motor is running. I’ve neutralized 5 enemies already this week.”
PHILADELPHIA– Tecmo Super Bowl legend QB Eagles was on hand Thursday night at Lincoln Financial Field to support Michael Vick’s debut as a Philadelphia Eagle. “Mike [Vick] did OK tonight. To be honest with you, I was looking for him to scramble in a zig-zag pattern a little more - that always makes the defense miss, ” QB Eagles said of Vick’s performance.
While the sound of the vuvuzela have annoyed approximately every single person who has watched the World Cup, it has been reported that one man can’t live with out it. “It all started during the Germany-Australia game,” says Lucy Hodge, a Florida resident. “The game ended and he just looked depressed. And he was rooting for Germany!”
They waited in lines for hours…or more. They swooned for months…or more. The post-iPad era opened with a bang when Apple customers could finally get their genius hands on the latest iPhone - the iPhone 4. “I read simply owning the iPhone 4 will raise my IQ by 36 points,” said Apple enthusiast Mike Jones. Jones was waiting in line outside the New York City Apple Store when we caught up with him. “I’ve been here for eight hours and peed my pants twice,” he added.
Before we get into this satirical article I’d like to say that I’ve actually attended a NASCAR event before and had a great time. So, no disrespect to NASCAR or it’s drivers - it takes a big man to pee in his racing suit and take turns at 200 MPH. Also, on a much crazier note, according to NASCAR.com “NASCAR is the No. 1 spectator sport — with more of the top 20 highest-attended sporting events in the U.S. than any other sport — and is the No. 2 rated regular-season sport on television. ” That’ is pretty impressive.
Authored by Guest Blogger 
Erectile Hyperfunction (EH or “Overactive Boner Syndrome”) is a sexual function characterized by the ability to develop and maintain an erection of the penis for an insanely long time period for extremely satisfactory sexual performance. “When these young men develop erections they are crazy rock hard and last for stupid-long periods of time. These young men have the ability to have sexual intercourse several times during the night,” says Bob, a random dude with absolutely no medical expertise.
